Cruising Critics – where everyone can be a critic

day 5

it’s thursday and i’m tired. woke up, cleaned up and went to breakfast. walking was out, figuring we’d trek across saint martin, or saint maarten, depending on your persuasion, it being both dutch and french. i have to admit, it seems like i’m slowing down food-wise. i had a boiled egg, two strips of bacon and fruit today. no benedict, no carved meat, nada. pants are a big snug and if i had to guess, i’d say i’m up a few pounds. but like that movie, i’ll cry tomorrow, with susan hayward playing lillian roth, i’ll diet monday.

despite how tired my feet are from the jewelry shopping yesterday, we decided to venture forth into town to see what’s there. we’ve been here before, but last time we took a cab to orient beach and got naked. no sniggling, you guys. that’s what they do at that beach. world famous naked. french people, dutch people, and now tourists from giant cruise ships, all naked. well, not all. it’s always the same thing. the ones that ought not to be naked, are. you know those german tourists about whom everyone always makes jokes? the men with the big pot belly and the speedos, and you kind of glance at them and then quickly look away because it’s nasty? well, lots of them, except without the speedo. ewww. and old women whose breasts have long since seen perky, but are suspended and held in place, sort of, by their bathing suit top? well, picture it without the top and the boobs hanging somewhere below the waistline. ewww. and so on. (i can just picture all those gay men on the beach screaming at the sight of vaginas staring them in the face. most of them have never even seen one. so we opted this time to skip the naked, and just walk. a half hour into the hot sun at the pier where we’re docked, and two t-shirts later, we both said, enough, and so i’m back on the ship telling my tale to you. i’m sitting in the ship’s library, in the air conditioning, writing. what a great ship. what a great vacation. i’ll be back to continue later.

i’m back. wow, a lot’s happened since i stopped. i came back to the cabin and husband and i went to lunch. the enormity of it all is starting to hit me. i had a scoop of chicken salad and a french roll with sliced tomatoes. period. the whale is almost beached. of course i had to have a soft serve strawberry yogurt. i didn’t find it until today and i mean it’s right there next to where we were sitting. it’s one of the stations.

after that, i took a nap. i need my strength for this evening. then i went up to the pool area to read, found one of the amazing covered lounges, that are so hard to get because everyone wants one, and if you don’t get up there early and reserve one, (which is against the rules, but when did that ever stop vicious, selfish queens), you simply don’t get one. so they’re highly coveted. but the ship is in port and empty so i scored. i read for a half hour, then took a jacuzzi for my tired feet, a sauna, a shower and a shave, came back to the room, dressed, and proceeded down to the main theater for antonio salci, international recording star that i’ve never even heard of. but hey, it’s included so you go. well, fold my napkin!!!! he was amazing! kind of a liberace, yanni, ferrante and teischer mix, with a great band, and he’s flawless on keyboards. what a rare treat to see someone that good on a cruise. i even sprang for one of his cds, and he autographed it for husband. sweet guy, great musician. from there to dinner. i wasn’t too bad, but hey, it’s still my vacation. i held myself to 4 courses tonight, although i did it by skipping salad, which is technically cheating.

1) vitello in tonnato. thin slices of very rare veal, in a light tuna sauce. it’s a real italian delicacy.

2) vichysoisse. chilled potato and leek soup. perfection. enough said.

3) ny strip steak with asparagus and baby unborn carrots. not the best steak in town, but certainly enjoyable enough.

4) warm banana cake with a chocolate sauce. words fail.

so, all blimped up, we waddle out to the main hall where they’ve set up the legendary chocolate tasting with port wine. (tasting my ass. and my ass is starting to look like i have indeed been tasting). it was this elaborate layout of chocolate confection perfection. (hey, that rhymed pretty nicely). i wasn’t going to touch it, but it was so beautifully laid out that even though i had just finished eating not 10 minutes earlier, i had to. i limited myself to a small glass of port and one truffle. i walked away, because i was uncertain of my own resolve.

up on the top deck by the pool, the ship’s singers and dancers were in sparkly outfits burning up the deck with their moves, as the crowd danced in the center. fun to watch, but the wind was wild, and the boat was a-rocking and a-reeling so i headed down to the big theater again, which was now converted for the next event. are you ready?

the pied piper travel management set up a showing of the restored wizard of oz, and told us beforehand that costumes were encouraged and that it would be a sing-along. my gay friends reading this can probably imagine, but my straight friends, alas, can’t possibly. there were 500 queens, among them, dozens in costumes, filing in. there were a few wicked witches, a few munchkins, scarecrow, tin man, glinda, and of course, dorothy. i counted 11 dorothys, but by far the best was a group of 5 guys, all in the blue gingham dress and ruby slippers, (nicely done, i might add. glitter and a glue gun and magic!), and they entered carrying cosmos. they were the dorothys with cocktails. they got wild applause, and the emcee added, judy would be so proud, to a roar from the crowd. there was some really sick shit going on in there. then the movie started and each song had words on the bottom of the screen and of course, as mentioned earlier, every gay man on earth thinks he’s judy garland, and here you actually get to pretend you are, so the sing-along was a hoot. hundreds of fairies singing somewhere over the rainbow, and ding, dong, the witch is dead. so i sat there, screaming bitch, at miss gulch on her bike, along with the rest of them, singing my heart out for about a half hour. right about the entrance of the tin man, i realized i was tired. so i slipped out, unnoticed by the six flying monkeys in the back row, and here i am, catching you up. it’s sack time, and the sea promises to rock me to sleep tonight. the swaying is sublime when you’re lying in bed, like your momma rocking your cradle. see you in the morning.

day 1

this is so great. we’re aboard the celebrity solstice, out to sea. this is actually day 2, but i want to recap day 1 before i forget some of the more salient features.

it began with an early rise at 5am sunday morning. husband was up first, and went directly to the dining room table where all of our stuff was laid out, and the big suitcase was unzipped, but still in the closed position. unbeknownst to us, rocky, the 30lb cat who lets us live there, understands suitcases and realized that we were going to leave him, and probably said something to himself like, here’s something so you won’t forget me, and promptly pissed all over the case, and of course, unzipped, it dripped down to inside. so husband gets a face full of fumes as he opens the case, and screams, your son pissed all over the case, (suddenly he’s my son and not our son), which woke me, as screaming usually does, and so the day began with the proverbial rude awakening.

we tried wiping, spraying, but alas, cat piss reeks like very few things on earth, so the big suitcase took its last roll, to the outside dumpster. what to do now?

plan b was pretty basic. at 5am you can’t call even your best friends to ask if they have a suitcase you can borrow, otherwise they’re not your best friends for long. so we decided on an extra small bag, mostly to carry the liquor you’re not supposed to bring and the wine that is allowed. so after a flurry of morning angst, and activity, like wash the kitty litter box, bathe the dog, change the sheets for the sitter who is staying with the dog, the good cat and piss boy, and load the car we were finally on our way.

smooth boarding, no hitches and we find ourselves in the very lap of luxury. (ok, it’s an inside cabin because we’re not made of money, especially now that there’s a new suitcase to be purchased), but it’s lovely. so we settle in. what to do now?

it is a cruise ship after all, and celebrity is known for their food, so i say, let’s eat. the lunch buffet was a sensory overload. other ships i’ve sailed usually have long buffets laid out and you shuffle along like kids in the school cafeteria picking and choosing. on this ship, it’s a giant room with stations. a hot food station, cold food, salad bar, pasta, sandwiches, deli, dessert and all of it really beautifully presented. i felt like one of the jews in the desert travelling with moses, working my way through the wilderness, stopping at the manna stations. truth be told, i ate very light stuff. salad mostly and an iced tea. i am fully cognizant of the food orgy to which i have subscribed for the next week, so i thought i might be good for at least one meal. i didn’t even have dessert. (i just realized that i used the words dessert and desert in this same paragraph. i hope you’re all up on your grammar and know the difference. i wouldn’t want to lose anybody). so that was lunch. what to do now?

husband was tired, having been up since 5am scrubbing piss, so he wanted to chill in the stateroom and maybe nap. so i went exploring, to discover this amazing ship. there were already people at the pool, in the gym, lying in the sun, playing bridge, having their teeth whitened. (i’ve never understood that. people that live their lives, day to day, without manicures, pedicures, facials, teeth whitening, massages, etc, get on a cruise ship, and suddenly feel compelled to have all these things at twice the normal price. maybe it’s a kind of i paid for this cruise and goddamit i’m going to have fun! kind of thing.) anyway, i tire eventually and join husband in the room to rest.

oh, did i mention we’re with a group? it’s a great group called pied piper travel, and we are over 1000 gay men travelling together. (throw in about 50 lesbians just for fun). it’s not a charter so the other 2/3 of the population is hetero. it makes for a very interesting experience. most are cool with it all, but i must say there is a raised eyebrow or two among the guests. more on reactions as they unfold.

speaking of which, there was a welcome cocktail party with free drinks on the pool deck for our group only, which was mobbed. (i think in the big picture, free anything is usually mobbed,) and many of the rest of the passengers formed a big circle around our group to gawk. the party included an absolutely gorgeous go-go boy. (is that term still used? go-go boy? feels so 70’s. he was dancing in a little tiny speedo. he didn’t take it off, of course, so technically he’s not a stripper, and there was no sex for pay involved so he wasn’t a hooker either, so for lack of a better word, i’ll call him a go-go boy. email me if there’s a new word that old gramps here doesn’t know.)

from there it was off to the dining room, where our party of 11 friends gathered for the first installment of the food orgy. i was good for lunch, but dinner consisted of 5 courses. (i know, wtf??) they were, in order,

1) goat cheese tartlet, upon which the cheese was warm and a little runny and perfectly divine,

2) wild mushroom soup with porcini mushroom dust, (i don’t usually eat dust, but i made an exception for this heavenly concoction)

3) wilted arugula and pear salad in a raspberry vinaigrette dressing.. can you spell yum?

4) spaghetti carbonara, with the most delicious crispy pancetta bits generously sprinkled all over the eggy, cheesy pasta,

5) i was torn. i have a weakness for rum-raisin ice cream. long story for another day, but there was also crème brulee. (i’ve made this dessert, and it’s not that big a deal, except for the crisping of the top. but i’ll never know how you do it with that little kitchen torch for 2000 people! i’m thinking the guy in the kitchen holding the torch must have a very tired arm). so i ordered both, and offered my table mates a taste of the brulee. i was sorry i blinked, because it was gone before i could say what time is breakfast?

after dinner i wandered some more, mostly to see what the boys were up to, but i tired quickly, and knew i’d walk laps in the morning to try to stave off the 10 pounds that want to attach themselves to me, so i hit the sack and slept like a corpse. so as i said in the beginning, it is now day 2.

day 2

i took a break. it’s now 4pm on monday and i’m back in my room after a very full ½ day at sea. it began with rise and shine at 7am to hit the deck running. (wow, that’s the first time i’ve ever used that expression when it actually meant, hit the deck, running.) well, walking is more like it. husband and i promised to go an hour or so, 3 miles for me, and more for him, every day. i did ½ mile, and,

a) my back is broken from yesterday having been on my feet going all day and,

b) the wind factor on the jogging track was somewhere between breezy and hurricane blanche. i literally was fighting the wind for my very life, and with a sore back, i opted to stop and go stretch in the gym for a ½ hour. then i came back to the room and began this log with the remembrance of day 1 (see above).

husband returned from a 5 mile jaunt, showered and we were off to the special brunch in the main dining room. the reason they had it was that we pushed the clocks ahead to puerto rico time last night and everyone’s schedule is a tad off, so from 10am til 1pm there was brunch. it was a one-shot, so if you overslept or skipped it there is no makeup. and it was an event. elaborate, beautiful, delicious brunch, with everything that the hundred dollar brunch at bally’s in las vegas has. (if you haven’t been, and you have an extra benjamin to blow on brunch, you must). smoked fishes, gravlax, sushi, the whole bacon, eggs, sausage, benedict, florentine thing, carving stations, pasta stations, omelet stations, huge ice carvings in the shape of tiki gods with big lips and the lips are filled with shrimp. (and i don’t mean the little guys. i’m talking full oxymoron here folks, the jumbo shrimp.) assorted breads, sticks, rolls, pastries, bagels, baguettes, chafing dishes with hot chicken and fish entrees, filet mignon, and of course belgian waffles with fruit toppings and fresh whipped cream to order, a chocolate fountain with fresh cut strawberries, pineapple, cantaloupe, honeydew melon and at the opposite end, a sight i’d never seen; a white chocolate fountain. (you must try the pineapple chunks with the white sauce. oh yeah.)

so, trying to be good again, i ate mostly the cold fishes, which are not too fattening, except for the cream cheese and of course the bread. oh i know what you’re thinking; who’s he kidding with this trying to be good crap. he’s a pig like the rest of them, but not so, unkind stranger. i didn’t eat fettucini alfredo for breakfast (which was available, nor did i eat bacon, sausage or carved fatty lamb ) i’m still good so i’ll thank you to stop sniggling. (ok, i had one dark chocolate covered mocha cheesecake square for a sweet. it was the size of one of those little sara lee cheesecake bites, like one cubic inch. oh big woo! no big deal. i’ve been worse, and will be again, i’m certain.

after brunch, into my bathing suit, grab my book, (i’m starting the girl with the dragon tattoo), secure a lounge on the pool deck, read 3 pages and fall asleep. all in all, a pretty terrific day at sea. the evening is to follow, directly after my next nap, and i’ll continue after that.

later…..

i’m back. it’s 1:00 am. husband is sleeping already. it was a great evening. dinner, a show, and a comic.

our first full day of the cruise was capped off by optional formal night. most of the ship played dress up, but our party did not. oh, we were all elegant in black, but shirts and slacks, no monkey suits. i entered the dining room promising myself to continue my good behavior, but alas…..five courses overtook me again.

1) escargot. don’t get me wrong, snails on a plate would not normally be a choice for me. kind of like the dust last night. i don’t pine for it. when i diet, i don’t miss it, say, like french fries. but drop them into little circular pockets of melted garlic butter, into which one dips bread, and count me in.

2) carpaccio of beef. this was really hubris. not necessary. i just wanted to see if they’d get it right. like a food critic would? because i’m writing this? and lo and behold they did. perfect paper thin slices with capers and a dainty horseradish cream. the difference is, a food critic would have looked, tasted and commented. i ate the whole thing.

3) baby spinach salad with a citrus vinaigrette. (well, you have to have something healthy, no?

4) rare rack of colorado lamb prepared exactly like julia child did, with the bread crumbs and the hint of dijon to hold the crumbs to the rack. it was all i could do not to drool all over myself.

5) warm apple tartlet with vanilla ice-cream, which i switched for caramel praline. i know, i’m an unorthodox kind of guy. delish.

after dinner was the big theater production. the show was the first of many, starring the ship’s singers and dancers. the threadbare story line was about a broadway theater closing and all the show tunes we’ve loved. kind of tailor made for a roomful of gay men. i love these shows on all ships. all those fresh faced kids, wanting to be stars, all that talent and maybe someday they’ll have big careers, but for now they entertain thousands of people a week, not unlike broadway show people. i know that the two lead singers are not kristen chenowith and harry connick jr, but they’re excellent nonetheless. needless to say, many of the thousand queens on board attended, and some were very snarky and critical of the performers. but as i’ve said in earlier blogs, every gay man who ever sucked a (co#k) thinks he’s judy garland, so we take those comments cum grano sal. for most of us, it was a delight.

this was followed by a standup comic in the comedy corner. it was late, we were tired, he was marginally funny, and i think you have to be a lot drunker than i was to make it through his hour. we left about half way through.

quick walk through the disco, where there were 200 queens dancing the night away, all in their mating ritual finery, looking to get lucky. a brief elevator ride, home again. all in all, a glorious day of vacation.

we dock tomorrow at 2:00pm in san juan, puerto rico. but first, there’s another half day at sea.

see you after breakfast.

(this is part 1 of a 4 part story)